Baby, Baby

Our baby came to the world just as most babies come into the world. But this post isn't going to be about my baby. I want to use this post to talk about all of the things people never warned me about before giving birth.

We went to classes. We went to the breastfeeding class. They told us there may be complications and that breastfeeding wasn't easy. Our baby may have trouble latching. First we produce colostrum. Then about four days later, the milk would come in. They talked about engorgement when that happened. They told me about preparing for leaking in public. It's what they didn't tell me that threw me for a loop.

I was going to breastfeed. No questions asked. Breast is best. This was pounded into my head, so I knew what I had to do to ensure that my baby would become the next great whatever. I had to breastfeed.

When Baby was delivered, I put him to my breast. He had a little difficulty latching and we practiced and he got it. But nothing came out. There was no colostrum. We tried and tried. The nurses and the lactation consultant finally advised that I use a supplementary nursing system. I tubefed Baby formula at my breast. He suckled and was satisfied. Afterward, I pumped for 15 minutes. Nothing came out.

Days passed. We continued the SNS at breast. Four days later, nothing came out. I continued to pump at every feeding. Approximately 3 to 5 mL of breastmilk would come out. I contacted a Lactation Consultant on the 6th day. She came to my house and evaluated Baby's suck. "Oh, he's got a great suck. Let's see his latch." He latched on perfectly.

I continued day in and day out. I was exhausted, frustrated, stressed, and angry. A deadly combination for having breastmilk come in. But how else was I supposed to feel?

A few days later a former midwife I know contacted me because she had heard through one of my friends that I was having difficulty. She advised that I spend 48 hours skin-to-skin with Baby, allowing him to nurse whenever he wanted. My husband calls that Spring Break Weekend in our house because I was topless for 48 hours. Baby nursed and nursed and nursed. He became dehydrated and lost weight.

At the end of the day, I just needed to keep my baby healthy. I needed to feed him. He needed to grow.

I started giving him formula from a bottle and continued nursing him before each feeding. Then I would pump. Still I was only getting about 6 to 8 mL per session.

I went to a breastfeeding suport group. The women there suggested I take domperidone. It's a drug that hasn't been approved by the FDA but that is only because of an already approved drug that is its competitor.  I started the domperidone and was able to pump 10-15 mL per session without allowing the baby to nurse first.

In all honesty, I feel I did my best. I tried. But as I said, what matters most is that my baby is fed.

I only write this so that other mothers who may have the same problem may happen upon this post and know that the overwhelming guilt they may feel--as I felt--because breastfeeding has been pummeled into our heads...so they will know that the guilt is not necessary. My baby loves me and is thriving. Of course I wish it had worked out. Of course. But I am so happy to live in a world where we have other options. Let go of the guilt and enjoy your baby.

Across the Universe

On our trip across the world which turned into a trip across the country, Zack and I wrote several emails to people we assumed might care about our travels. When we came back to America from Bundang, South Korea, we decided to move to San Diego. The following are the details of our trip--unedited--from Ocean, New Jersey, to San Diego, California. Last Saturday, May 8th, marked our one-year anniversary in San Diego. This post is my tribute, but unfortunately, I don't know how to add pictures well yet. And if you make it all the way to the end...wow.

On Wednesday, April 29th, 2009, Zack wrote:

Greetings friends relatives and etc!,

It is 530 am in drakesboro KY and we have arrived safely. We were welcomed by an

overwhelmed and excited sophie dog that hasn't left our side and insists on laying between

me and my luggage as I looked for my charger and toothbrush.

We had a long drive today we had only anticipated driving to Lexington, KY but Holly's friend had to go out of town. This was good because it ment there was no rush to get to Lexington and we decided to do a scenic drive along the Blue Ridge pkwy in Virginia. My car made it all the way up the mountain, along the windy ridge and down the other side, a beautiful, but time consuming 2 hr detour.

After making it down the mountian we dined at le chateau de king or as you americans call it, burger king. Schmibble particularly liked this area of VA and decided to pull his head out of his collar and hide under a tree/shrub and until I dung though the branches and forcibly insisted we

were leaving.

After several more stops for food and gas and driver switching and naps and coffee we finally arrived and here we are, sun nealy rising and Holly asleep in my arms.

We had some other good news today we found an apartment and now have a destination when we arrive in San Diego. Its not permanent but we will stay for a month and it is right on da beach (it is someones summer rental). Two bedrooms and we will be accepting visitors once we get out there until the end of the month. For a nominal fee ofcourse. I'll get back to you will the exact address.

I can hear the birds chirping outside so I think that means its time to go to bed.

Goodbye for now,

Zack and Holly

On Saturday, May 2, 2009, at 11:26 p.m., Holly wrote:

Hello All,

We're in Missouri! Saying that statement makes me feel like Wayne and Garth when they're in Delaware. We spent an extra day longer in Kentucky than we expected trying to figure out a way to tow my car behind Zack's, but after doing all the tricks we knew I just wasn't comfortable with it. It was just a feeling. It rained all over my dad who should be sainted just for his patience with us, the dolly, sophie and schmibble.

We got off to a late start on Saturday around 4:30 p.m. And made it through St. Louis at around 9ish. After some driving around due to Zack travelling with a crapload of stereo equipment in his truck, we've FINALLY found a place to sleep for the night on the westside of St. Louis.

We're a day late and sevral dollars short but we both feel good to officially be on our way. With the sun in our eys and the Atlantic behind us, next stop: some boring place in Kansas.

Love you all,
Holly, Zack, Schmibble, and Sophie

P.S. Zack picked up an awesome southern accent and a little southern drawl in Kentucky. It is well worth hearing.

On Sunday, May 3rd, 2009, at 10:58 p.m., Zack wrote:

Hi Everyone,

First of all I want to describe in more detail the events of last night.

We got into St. Louis at around 9pm last night and stopped off at a Motel 6, a very classy budget minded establishment that accepts pets. In my car I am currently carrying thousands of dollars in stereo equipment that Chris got me using his 'family discount'. I had to put up with a lot of crap being friends with Chris and yes this was a big pay off (Finally!). In my car, in addition to this stereo is; my laptop, my camera, all the clothes I am bring to SD, my suit and all
my other worldly belongings.

As you might not know I have had very bad luck in the past falling victim to numerous burglaries in DC, a car break-in San Francisco, and so on. In my mind I have developed a nack for unsafe or suspicious areas. So after checking in at the motel 6 by a woman whose pupils looked like big black marbles. I took a walk around the parking lot to check out the security. During my walk I noticed that our 1994 Jeep Cherokee and Holly's 2000 Hyundai Elantra station wagon were the

nicest and least tricked out cars in the lot, and the next nicest car had duct tape over the place where the rear passenger window used to be. I consulted the tall lanky "security guard" who walked the parking lot at night. He carried no weapon and no walkie talkie. He was surely
fully equipped for every situation with his monster energy drink. I asked him if there had been any break-ins and he paused, his answer was not since I've been here. I assume he meant since his shift started.

I knew I wouldn't get a wink of sleep here so after consulting with Holly, I asked the big pupil eyed woman for a refund. She said she could give me a refund but could I please tell her why I thought this location wasn't safe. Immediately after she asked this question, she walked away. Presumable realizing she had asked a dumb question, or because she had blanked out and forgotten her own question.

Fast Forward to this morning. We got an early start on the road and made it to Kansas City by early afternoon. We stopped down at the Riverfront Market. It was a really cool spot and we were almost lured into an outdoor restaurant with live jazz music and a bloody mary happy hour. About an hour later we left, we didn't have any bloody marys but we did share a G-rated snow cone. And I got a 3 Ziggy comics for $1.50.

We drove through Kansas which was surprisingly beautiful. Its very green and hilly, and I will dub it "the poor man's Ireland" even though I have never been to Ireland this is how I imagine it to look.

Holly says, "Genevieve I'm sorry, Kansas is much more beautiful than I remember, I'm just angry when people think I'm from Kansas and not Kentucky"

Tonight we are sleeping in Salina, Kansas. We got in early at about 8pm. Tomorrow we will be leaving early again and hopefully make it to Holly's friends place in Denver tomorrow night.

Bye for now,

Zack, Holly, S & S

PS. An update on the pet:

I'm afraid Schmibble might stay tomorrow he is sick and tired of traveling in the car and his new car diet.

Sophie was really excited yesterday when we got to our hotel room and thought it was our new home.

On May 6th, 2009, Holly wrote:

Friends, family and acquaintances,

I'm gonna try to summarize all that's happened in the past two days because the email I sent out this morning decided it didn't want to be sent. So hold on loosely, and don't let go:

We set out of Salina, Kansas, around 10:30. That seems to be the only time we can seem to get on the road; our next destination was Denver, Colorado. Schmibble and Sophie were less anxious to get back in the cars. But we understand. By the end of the trip, our pets will have traveled more than most Americans will travel in their lifetimes.

West Kansas seems to be what I remember about Kansas--fields and fields of nothing but flat something. The scene driving down the road seemed almost two dimensional: the height of the sky, the width of the land, and that was about it. I would like to attach some pictures of the somethingness of nothing/nothingness of something, but my camera wire is buried deep deep
down and I don't really feel like looking for it.

We stopped in some small town at a Wal-mart where Zack took Sophie out of the car to give her some exercise. I took over the reins and as we were running back to the car, Sophie decided she didn't want to be on my left anymore and darted in front of me. I tripped over her, and faceplanted in the crosswalk. A concerned man asked me, "Miss, are you alright?" So I replied honestly, but still not very sure, "Yeah, I'm o.k." Then he said, "Maybe I should ask if the pavement is o.k. cause you hit it pretty hard." I wasn't hurt but I've got a sore jaw and shoulder, and a few small scrapes on my chest.

Skip ahead about 150 miles:

Zack and I stopped for lunch at a rest area...still in Kansas. We even saw a sign that said, "Kansas: as big as you think." How true...

I was starving and tried to dig into the rotisserie chicken I had bought at the Wal-mart where I had faceplanted. But first, let Sophie pee, make sure Schmibble is o.k., get water for the animals, tie Sophie to something stronger than she is, find a way to eat in windy windy Kansas. Zack and I
had bought a kite at a truck stop, and he was so ready to fly it. He even forfeited eating lunch first (that in itself is such an oddity). He got it stuck in a tree and needed my help. So I helped and then I half-heartedly helped (hey! I was hungry). Finally, he got the kite up in the air and I
was able to finish my lunch.

To make this story short: I got it seriously stuck in a tree and we had to let Kansas keep our kite.

One funny story: We stopped to get a gas and a snack at a truck stop near the border of Kansas and Colorado. I got Sophie out for a walk, and noticed that she was walking funny. I was really worried about her--maybe she stepped on glass, maybe she had done something else that only a dog would do...but with much consideration, we realized that her leg had fallen asleep in the back of the car. We massaged it at gave her a good pat, and she was back to normal.

Fast forward about 150 more miles or so:

We entered Denver around 6:30 p.m., but we had plans to stay with my friend from high school, Jason, and his fiancee. But before we went to their home, we stopped at the LARGEST liquor store in America. It was like a Costco dedicated to alcohol. We wanted to get them a gift, but there was too much to choose from. It was overwhelming.

Arrived at their house around 8:00 p.m. and ate some good pizza, drank a beer, and let Sophie meet their dogs. It was so nice to see Sophie run around in their back yard. She had a great time although they didn't really get along very well at first. It was great for me too to see an old friend.
By the way, Jason and Shannon are getting married a week from Friday--Congratulations!

We left again, at...you guessed it, around 10:30. Our destination: Moab, Utah.

But this was the most amazing thing for me. We left Denver--temperature about 45 or 50 degrees. We drove west about 2 hours into the Rockies and the temperature was about 35 degrees. 1 hour later: 55 degrees. 1 hour later: 87 degrees.

I've lived in Korea for a long time, and although I've traveled around the U.S. and other parts of the world, I must say this: America is truly beautiful. The Rockies were breathtaking inside them: burnt sienna mountains speckled with green bushes the suddenly pure white mountains with
(what looks like) black pine trees, and then suddenly, the Colorado river runs hand in hand beside I-70. And to come back from Korea, go home, and then get to see America from New Jersey to San Diego is something that I can't even find the words for. When I left Korea I said, "I'm going home to America." The whole time, my mind was only picturing my small town of 600
people. But I really truly came home TO AMERICA. It's beautiful...amazing.

I know this is long, but this is two days. Just stay with me a bit longer.

We arrived in Moab in the late afternoon, and happy we made good time (the speed limit in CO and UT is 75). This, also, is awesome. The dark red sand mesas surrounding you from north south east and west. The heat beating down through the car windows. Zack decided he wanted to take me to Delicate Arch in Arches National Park, but Sophie and Schmibble couldn't come. We didn't know what to do with them. We happened to stop at a small motel in Moab to see how much it cost (way too much), but the girl at the front desk told us we could leave our animals with her (despite the fact we decided not to stay there) while we hiked in the park. She was so nice, but I guess Zack is also a little charming ;).

We drove up to the parking point and hiked the 1.1 miles (felt more like 5) in the arid (and I mean ARID) desert air up to Delicate Arch (the one on the Utah license plate). We passed several other tourists, but they all seemed to be from Europe. I didn't hear many American English accents and even saw some Korean tourists. It was really great to get out of the car and do some
real exercise. My legs felt like jelly and my lungs were working hard. But when we reached the arch, it was so...well, I can only say, beautiful. The sun was setting (we were a little too late), but there were at least a hundred people there...just watching the sun set on this rock--or lack of a
rock. The arch is about 300 feet high. We'll definitely send pictures later. Just looking at the arch or even in a picture, one cannot seem to grasp the height and beauty of it all. I'm so happy and thankful to have the opportunity to do this.

When we arrived back at the motel at about 9:00 p.m. (this is after I introduced Zack to 4th gear in my car), we picked up Sophie and Schmibble and decided to truck it 50 miles more down the road to Monticello, UT, in hopes that the motels would be cheaper. They are.

The next leg of our trip is all Zack. This is his stomping ground from his tour guide days, and I'm just gonna follow (don't tell him I said this cause he'll use it against me later).

Next destination: Kanab, UT (Zack's friend's ranch).

Thanks for reading, sorry it's so long. Maybe Zack's email will be shorter (but never sweeter).

Until next time,
Holly, Zack, Schmibble Kitty, and Sophie Dawg.

P.S. Now that we're in a motel, Schmibble is sprawled out on his back--like an upside-down superman. Sophie is snoring soundly on Zack's lap.

On Thursday, May 7th, 2009, at 12:04 p.m., Zack wrote:

Dear Everyone,

Let me start by saying that this will be an email sized update, not the bohemith that Holly sent out yesterday. But you know girls, yack yack yack...

I am writing you this email from a guest ranch in Utah on route 89 next to the grand staircase escalente national preserve. It is an oasis on a road in the middle of the desert. The ranch is 13 years old and it was started but a guy who used to be a tour leader. He bought this plot of land and built every structure on it. Its really an impressive sight and quite modernized (as you can tell since I am writing this email from their computer). There is a strip of buildings that look like a scene out of an old western and you half expect people to be pulling up on horses, tying them in the front and then coming inside for a milk, in a dirty glass.

Yesterday seems like a week ago. We drove through endless deserts of Utah, dipped in to Az, and then back into Ut. ALL DESERTS, and I've got the trucker tan on my left arm to prove it. We stopped off at a secret spot called Mulley point. It overlooks some of the most scenic and still valleys of desert from a height of about 5,000 feet, the location is secret, but if you are driving though southern Utah I might tell you where it is. Everything we drove though was picturesque
and beautiful and I commented to Holly that I felt like I was driving though a post card.

Our next stop off was at Monument valley, we didn't have time to do a full tour be we ate lunch there and I promised Holly we would go back there one day. We continued on to the ranch amist a flurry of small quarles about my driving ability. In Moab, Holly introduced me to 4th gear in her car, but in Az I introduced my country girl to a washington dc style middle of the street u-turn. This was the source of about 3 or so arguments until we figured out our missunderstanding about the law.

Like I said we got to the ranch last night around 730 with a 12 pack of corona and we made alot of friends. We were greeted by all sorts of people from different parts of the US and Canada ayyy. This place is alot busier than I remember it. We got settled in and took a big risk in letting Sophie off the leash (her M.O. is usually to run as far as she can in whatever direction shes facing). By the time the sun went down she had become a ranch dog. There are about 3 other dogs here and I think they were telling her the ropes in doggy speak.

Later in the night after everyone but us and another couple with a dog had gone to bed, we took a walk in the moonlight out to the river. Its a desert and the river is only about 5 feet acrooss and maybe 5 inches deep. Sophie has had little exposure to water and must have felt as though she had made a new best friend. She galloped back and forth through the river until she was a chocolate lab and Holly was all but asleep on my shoulder. We headed back to the ranch and turned in for the night. The wrangler was a nice guy and he set us up in his room on an extra bunk bed and schmibble too. Dirty dogs slept outside.

Today we got to see my friend Easton, whos ranch it is. He wasn't feeling well the night before and was sick in bed when we got in. We helped him stain the fence out behind his house and he offered us jobs staying at his ranch whenever we wanted.......

After much concideration we decided to stay. Just kidding we are leaving later today for Las Vegas, but at least we have a back up plan if things don't work out in San Diego.

Thats all for now,

Z H S&S

On Thursday, May 14th, 2009, at 9:23 p.m., Holly wrote:

Hello,

We made it! Actually, we made it here on Friday evening, but we're just now getting the email out cause we really needed a break, and on top of that, we've been exploring our wonderful new area of Ocean Beach on foot (we had decided not to drive for the entire weekend). So here's the update.

We left the ranch a little late because we had decided to stay there one more day, but due to unforeseen circumstances, we departed for Las Vegas. We arrived late in Vegas after a very scary and stressful drive through the mountains in Utah at night time. We didn't get out into Vegas until about 1 a.m. It was like walking down the streets on Halloween for me. There was such an interesting collaboration of people out and about late at night. And as the saying goes, "what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas," and we'll just leave it at that.

After a night out on the town we started the last leg of our trip. It was sweltering hot in the Mojave Desert (no kidding!). If I never see another desert again (in the daytime) in my life, it will be a decade too soon.

Finally, in the San Bernadino Valley, we stopped for gas. I got out of my car, and the chill in the air was so cold, I immediately got goosebumps all over my body. It was such a stark difference in less than an hour. California drivers are insane, so I was stressed out and frazzled from driving through traffic at speeds that will also remain safe under the clause, "what happens on the interstate in CA, stays on the interstate in CA." I also told Zack that I would never ever follow him again on an interstate across country. I'm sure my little car can find it's way from now on.

We met the landlord's wife around 8 p.m. She was really nice and I was so relieved to see that they as well as the real estate were legitimate. The place is one-1/2 block from the beach, maybe 3 blocks from the dog beach, and just an awesome little neighborhood. It's going to be hard for me to move to another place.

As I said, I took the weekend off: relaxing in the jacuzzi, going to the beach, eating 79 cent avocados, and exploring. Today (Monday), I tried to wake up early and get my resume printed out to start my regular life. I suppose vacation is over.

Although this isn't in as much detail as the others, I'm in a different frame of mind. I'm dealing with the stress and worry of finding a job, a place to live that will take Schmibble and Sophie,
learning my way around in San Diego, and just getting used to starting all over. It's been a long time since I've had to find a job before my reputation preceded me. Wish me luck, keep your fingers crossed, pray, and send good vibes our way.

Thanks for reading all of our emails, and keep in touch. HEY PEOPLE: I'm back in the USA!!!

Always,
Holly

Living In History

What a time we're living in!

I came "home" from living abroad for five years. I came "home" during an economic recession. I came "home" and decided to move 2,500 miles across this great, big, beautiful country of ours with only what would fit in my little Hyundai (and that's including my dog!). I came "home" in the 6th year of the Iraq War. But the important part is that I came home.

When I was in elementary school, I studied about American history just as any other good little boy or girl would. I learned about the Revolutionary War and the Emancipation Proclamation. I learned the preamble to the Constitution and the Gettysburg Address. But the really exciting stuff for me was the 1960s Civil Rights Movement and the assassination of JFK. Luckily for me, my parents lived through all of this exciting history. I would run home after class to ask my parents how they felt and what the atmosphere was like during such an amazing time in history, only to be met with,"Hmmm, Holly, I don't really remember."

I was devastated. Unfortunately, my parents weren't political people. Sure, they lived through it. They saw it. They experienced it, but it wasn't their passion. They were too busy finding a way to eke out a living and put some bread and butter (and I do mean this literally) on the table. Yes, they cared, but at the same time, life was just too important.

And here I am. 50 years later, and living in history. Regardless of your political view, one cannot deny the wonderfully exciting and very passionate time in American history. Just last year, we saw a black man take oath to become the first black President. And now a little over a year later, we see this health care bill. This blog is not for me to speak about where I stand politically, but to emphasize the fact the all this heat being generated through the United States is raising the temperature to an amazing notch in history.

And we're LIVING in IT!!! I can't wait until my future children go to school and learn about this time in their history books. Maybe they'll run home to ask me, "Mom, tell me about the atmosphere of the late 2000 decade. What was it like? What did you feel when all this was happening?" And although many moons will have passed to reach this day, I must say that there will be no shadow in my memory. I'm already clipping newspaper articles for this day.

Privacy

Is it possible for humans to keep up with technology? I, for one, was born at the tail end of Generation X. We're the people who like to be told our work is good, and we were the first generation to grow up with computers. My home, unfortunately, was not one of them. I first used WordPerfect when I was in high school, and we were tested on our agility and ability with the shift, alt, F1, etc., keys. As time has passed, I have learned much more about computers, but I am still barely hanging on to the second or third rung on the bottom of the technological ladder.

After reading the New York Times' article, "How Privacy Vanishes Online," I started thinking about the networks I belong to. I have Myspace, Twitter, Skype, MSN Messenger, Google Chat, AOL, and Facebook. What kind of 21st century citizen would I be without 1,000 social networking sites? I even subscribe to Lastfm and Grooveshark. But, really, where is all this information about me going?

Trust me, I'm really not full of myself. I don't think there are hackers out there pounding on their keyboards like orangutans trying to find their way into my measly checking account. However, I've always wanted to know how and why websites like Google and Facebook know which advertisers to display on my searches and profile page.

More and more businesses are "marketing" on these social websites. I tried to "x" an ad which stared at me from the right-hand side of my Facebook profile. I was then asked the question, "Why didn't you like this ad?" Facebook was letting me know that if I gave them feedback about their ads, they would send me more relevant ones. The ominous "THEY" are learning more and more about innocent "me."

One of my international students told me that a stranger asked her for her email address on the street when she first arrived in America. She gave it to him. But she knew that it wasn't right. But when Facebook asks us to give them temporary permission to search our email accounts for our "friends," we sign on without hesitation. My biggest question is not how important our privacy is, but really, "how important is our privacy to others?"